Losing Her

So, it's October and this year I want to share something special and more than a little difficult. That fun loving woman in the picture above is my mom. She died of breast cancer in 1983, more than half my life ago. A year ago I did this scrapbook page about her.

The writting is a little hard to read so here's what I wrote on the page.

“I’m very much the person I am today because of my mother. Not only because of who she was but because of how young I was when she died. I haven’t done any scrapbook pages about her until now and I’m finding it more than a little hard.

She died of breast cancer in 1983 right before her 52^nd birthday. She had been sick on and off with cancer my entire life. My dad once told me that he knew she was going to die young and he wanted to make sure she had the best life possible in the time she had. That really told me a lot about how much my dad loved her. I think this is why he was so dedicated to her tennis career, he wanted her to have these opportunities while she was still healthy.

I don’t think at the time of her death I realized what a huge impact this would have on me. Right after her funeral I went back to college and took my finals. I remember reading about the grieving process. I thought it would take a year so I figured if I could just get through the year I would be fine. Boy was I wrong.

I didn’t even really start to miss her until I had my second child. All my friends that were having babies had their mothers to help them and it dawned on me that I didn’t have a mother to help me. My dad did a great job which was really touching but he wasn’t her.

It was then that I really started to grieve and it is still hard for me. Especially this time of year when it comes close to Thanksgiving. She died the day after Thanksgiving and I have hated that holiday ever since. It seems it’s getting harder as I approach the age she was when she died. I wonder what it will feel like, God willing, if I get older than she ever was. I know it’s hard on my kids, knowing that a parent can die young.

I think that the biggest lesson I have learned from this is that life is precious and fragile and you can’t ever take it for granted. You don’t really get to choose how long your life is going to be but you do get to choose how you live it.

This is the number one reason why I scrapbook. I want to document this crazy little life I have lived. I want to tell my stories and my kid’s stories. I want my family to know how much I loved them and how important they were to me. I want them to know what was meaningful to me, what I thought was funny, what I was passionate about and most of all how incredibly grateful I am for the whole wonderful thing that is my life.”

I'm sharing this with you now because for the first time ever I want to participate in Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Up until now I have hardly been able to look at the commercials about this without crying.This month I will donate $1 for every pattern sold in my shop to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure organization. It doesn't seem like nearly enough but it's all I can do right now. If you don't want to buy a pattern but do want to help I encourage you to find a way that is meaningful to you. All I can say is that the little things add up.

Have a great weekend.

The materials used for the digi-scrapbook layout are from Ali Edwards class Yesterday+Today at Big Picture Scrapbooking

Comments

[hilde belgium]

I can understand you perfectly
I know what you mean ,lost also my mother afther 3 times of cancer

[Jana]

I can understand you. In past two years I lost my dad and my husband because of cancer. I am missing my father and my husband so much and I can only guess how my little children (6 and 9) are missing their daddy. I hope I can raise them well.

[Linda]

Your post brought tears to my eyes because my husband has cancer. He was diagnosed with Leukemia in 2005 and has his ups and downs but mostly ups (thank God for that). I try to block it out of my mind as much as I can and just live from day to day and enjoy the moment but sometimes it is hard when his Doctor's appt. time approaches. I am sorry about your Mom, I know you how hard it will be for me if and when I lose my Mom.

[Sharon]

What an amazing heart felt post. I am just over 1 year cancer free, and was diagnosed at the age of 47, April 09. I lost my mom in Dec 06 and my husband Dec 07. As close as I am to my Dad and as wonderful a father he is, he's not my mom. This breast cancer diagnosis really made me miss my mom, and I continue to grieve. She was the "go to" person in my life, for everything. My friend did the 3 day/60 mile walk last weekend, and I spearheaded her fund raising efforts, we raised, so far, $4800 so we should finish up with close to $5500 by Oct 15th. Thanks for doing what you can, every bit helps.

[Jeannette]

I have just read your post, I also lost my Mum when I was young, and are approaching the age when my Mum went. It is nearly sixteen years now but it seem so much longer some days and like yesterday others. Grieving is something that I have learnt comes in waves sometimes deep and other times just a small ripple. Best wishes for thanksgiving.

[Courtenay Hughes]

I lost my mother when I was 16-and my father 3 years later. It breaks my heart that my children never met their grandparents-I know what you mean.

Courtenay

[Debbie]

Thanks for sharing.

[Anita Westerveld]

Dear Erin, my heart goes out to you, I can relate to a lot you are writing. I lost my dad at 6 and that has had a huge impact on my life. When my daughter was 6 I got cancer and the pain and fear that must have caused her still pains my heart. I'm so grateful I still walk this beautiful earth and am able to see her grow up and spend time with my dear husband. Every day is a gift and I try to live it to the fullest. Quilting is for me a way to stay in the now, my quilts are a kind of evidence I'm still around. I send you a big hug filled with warmth and comfort, Anita.

[Sandy Sharp]

Erin, thank you for sharing your story. You are such a beautiful, thoughtful writer. I wish I was there to give you a hug.

[Loralynn]

What a lovely, yet sad, post. My Sister passed two months ago because of breast cancer, she was only 45. It's such a sad, sad disease taking your mother, my neice's and nephew's mother, taking so many mothers. It's a good thing you are doing.

[sonia]

lo siento muchisimo. pero que bueno haber tenido en tu vida a alguien tan especial un beso

[Bev Andersen]

I was 61 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am not 4 years free of it, but alas my daughter who is only 39 was operated on for b.c. June 1st. She has completed chemo and now starts radiation. She will survive! I am off this week to donate a quilt top to a quilt shop so they can give it to someone undergoing cancer treatment.
My Dad is gone 13 years now and I miss him everyday.

[Becky]

My daughter age 29 is 1 year no cancer. I hope she lives to see her children grow. The medication that they used was only approved 2 years ago. Thank God for breast cancer research. My husbands father died of cancer the year we were married. The year that Dave turned 43 was so hard for him that was how old his father was when he die. Thanks for join the fight. Becky

[Toddy Sumsky]

I have out lived my mother by 23 years. She was 23 the day I was born. I was born on her birthday so we had a very strong bond. I was lucky that she did live to be 67, but we spent most of those years apart as my husban did 23 years in US Navy. I did get the last 10 years close to her and loved every mintue of it. But I will tell you this it never get easyer. My bad day is Mothers Day. In stead of hateing Thanksgiving why not make it a tribute to your mother. Enjoy the day with memories of the good time.

[Judy Laquidara]

What a great tribute to your mom. I hope you can find a way to enjoy Thanksgiving . . maybe find a way to be thankful for all the memories you have of your mom. Appreciating each day and truly knowing the value of life is truly a blessing.

[Vivian]

I lost my mother six years ago (she was two months shy of her 69 birthday) and after she died I learned the same lesson as you -- cherish the time you have and live it to the fullest while you can. Prior to her getting ill I always thought she was younger than me because she did so much for so many people.

My mother officially died from leukemia but also had a recurrence of her breast cancer during her final illness after being a ten year cancer survivor. I appreciate your contributions to the Komen fund and as a new convert to hand applique will purchase your block carrier pattern in support.

Thanks for sharing and giving us all a chance to commiserate. And don't hate Thanksgiving -- it's the happy memories of our loved ones that keep them alive for us in our hearts.